Financial Infidelity: Red Flags and How to Overcome It

If you’re married or in a serious relationship, you’ve no doubt faced some sort of relationship challenge before. Managing finances is one of the top challenges couples face. Since money touches every aspect of our lives, it’s safe to say that when there are money problems, there are usually marriage problems. 

Among those money challenges is something called financial infidelity.  

No, we aren’t talking about an extramarital affair, but the kind of infidelity that involves money and the relationship. 

So, what is financial infidelity and how do you know if it’s happening in your relationship? Let’s look at the red flags and how to overcome them. 

What is Financial Infidelity? 

Financial infidelity takes place whenever you or your partner lie to each other about money.   

It doesn’t matter how big or small the amount of money you’re lying about is, but whether you’re hiding the truth around the topic of money.  

Why do people struggle with this? A study by Ramsey Solutions discovered that 41% of married couples report that fighting occurs around the topic of money. If talking about finances continuously leads to stress or arguments, it’s natural to avoid it through keeping financial secrets. 

5 Signs of Financial Infidelity 

Before you suspect your partner of financial infidelity, here are some of the most common signs to watch out for. 

1. Hiding a purchase 

Have you ever been at the grocery store checkout and grabbed a candy bar for yourself and forgot to tell your spouse about it? 

If you said yes to this, don’t worry – you're not intentionally keeping financial secrets. 

When talking about hiding a purchase, we’re talking about how you or your partner went about hiding the purchase.  

The purchase is usually related to something you and your spouse have argued about in the past. Maybe it’s too many trips to Target or Home Depot, or too many packages arriving at your front door from Amazon. 

Committing financial infidelity looks like the partner sending the package to a different address, buying something with cash so it doesn’t show up on a bank statement, or sneaking a smaller purchase inside a group of items without telling you. 

2. Having a secret bank account 

If you and your spouse currently have a joint bank account and you discover your spouse opens another account without telling you, that is a big red flag. 

Many couples choose to have separate bank accounts, which unfortunately makes it easier to keep financial secrets. However, if a couple has a shared account and one of them secretly opens a separate account, financial infidelity has occurred. 

3. Opening a secret credit card 

It’s common for one spouse to have a credit card from one bank and the other spouse has a separate credit card from a different bank. But if it’s unknown to one partner that the other has a separate credit card, then you’ve crossed over into the land of secrecy and financial infidelity. 

If both partners know about each other’s credit cards, however, then this isn’t a problem of secrecy or trust. 

4. Secretly hoarding cash 

Secretly setting aside cash may seem like a great savings strategy, especially if your partner has a spending problem. But if you’re intentionally keeping this as a secret from your partner, then you’re committing financial infidelity. 

5. Constantly comparing each other’s spending 

Men and women tend to spend money differently. This isn’t a hard and fast truth, but men typically spend money less often but make larger purchases when they do spend money. Women tend to spend money more frequently but with less expensive purchases. 

The takeaway here is that you and your partner are likely not the same in your spending habits. Therefore, keeping a record of how much you both spend is a slippery slope that can lead to financial infidelity. 

What Leads to Financial Infidelity? 

One of the most common reasons for financial infidelity is the lack of communication around money between partners in a relationship. 

Although many marriages unfortunately report financial problems as the result of divorce, relationship experts state that the financial problem was actually a symptom of a larger problem – lack of communication. 

When money isn’t discussed inside a relationship, poor financial habits between both partners slowly develop over time. Eventually, those poor financial habits lead to stress around money in your relationship.  

Couples then turn to financial infidelity to avoid stressful financial conversations. 

The Difference Between Financial Infidelity and Financial Irresponsibility 

Keep in mind that lying about money and making poor financial decisions are not quite the same thing. Yes, if a spouse lies about money, then they committed financial infidelity. But if your spouse simply made a bonehead mistake around finances, then chalk it up as a mistake, which is a lot easier to manage than secrecy. 

How Do You Get Over Financial Infidelity? 

Now that you understand what financial infidelity is, let’s learn how to overcome it. Even if the damage has already been done, it’s not too late to fix it. 

1. Push pause on pointing fingers.

• Lying about money is often a result of something else.
• Typically in a relationship, there is a “spender” and “saver.” You can likely identify which one you are in your own relationship.
• If you’re the spender, then is it possible that you often spend a little too freely?
• Or if you’re the saver, do you question your spouse a little too often on how much they spent at the store?
• Before pointing the finger at one another, discuss why one spouse felt it necessary to lie about the finances to the other.

2. Create a monthly budget.

Creating a monthly budget together is a great way to overcome financial infidelity.

Working together on a budget opens communication between both partners about finances.

Doing this also creates a money road map that you not only created together but can follow together. Instead of guessing how much there is to spend, who spends what, and where it’s spent, a budget solves all of that before the month begins.

3. Open a joint bank account.

One the simplest ways to overcome financial infidelity is to open a shared bank account. This removes the ease for one partner to hide purchases from the other partner.

Combining finances with a joint account makes budgeting much easier. Instead of trying to manage a single-family budget with multiple bank accounts, all the income and expenses come out of one account for the entire family.

4. Adopt the “ours” mindset.

Another great practice to adopt is changing the pronouns you use from his and hers to ours.

Instead of his student loan debt, it's our student loan debt. Instead of her income, it’s our income.

When both spouses take ownership for earning an income together and paying off debt together, you’re both moving forward together instead of pulling in opposite directions.

5. Set financial goals together.

After a setback with keeping money secrets, it’s important to sit down with your spouse and decide on the next steps with your finances. This includes your financial goals for your relationship.

To start, ask each other where you both would like to be financially in 10 years, 20 years and even 30 years from now.

How much money do you want to have saved, where do you live, and what kind of a legacy do you both want to create together?

After you’ve both determined what your goals are, create a pathway to reach your financial goals together.

Working together on the financial goals you created together leads to a healthier relationship between you, your spouse, and the money.

Financial infidelity can be difficult for any relationship to bounce back from. But it’s possible to create a healthier partnership around money once you open communication and work toward your financial goals together. 

Keep in mind that keeping money secrets is often a symptom of a larger problem. Therefore, identify what that problem is and create steps together to overcome it. 

Your future self will be thankful you did.